Santa is creepy, and a threat to national security
|What evil lurks in the heart of Santa?|
by John MacBeath Watkins
It is that time of year again, when a man with the figure of Sydney Greenstreet and the intelligence capabilities of a totalitarian state passes judgement on us all.
"He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake," the traditional Christmas dirge tells us.
How does he know? This is a level of surveillance that makes Facebook look tame. In fact, even the East German Stasi didn't know that much about its victims.
And why must we submit to the moral judgement of a fat, beardy git who promises toys he will pressure parents to deliver in order to get children to sit in his lap? Remember, whether children get coal or toys depends on whether he thinks they've been 'nice.' Has anyone examined this guy's hard drive for porn?
Santa claims he brings toys to good little boys and girls. Are those the only choices? Does he have no LGBTQ elves in his workshop, and does he skip the chimneys of the gender-fluid?
In addition, he claims the ability to visit every home in the world in one night. A delivery system with that sort of capability is a threat to every nation in the world. Will those nations he deems naughty have nuclear weapons surreptitiously installed in strategically located single-family dwellings? Does the White House still have a chimney? Our military has hesitated to fire on Santa even when he flagrantly violates American air space, but how long can we tolerate his intrusions?
Wake up, America! The red menace is real, and it's coming for you with a big sack.