The Schatterman E-Mails, a work of fiction
By John MacBeath Watkins
In the beginning was the e-mail, and the e-mail
was with Zorba and the e-mail was about Zorba.
All
were made by him and without him were not made any who were made. In him was life; and the life was the light
of us all.
And the e-mail said:
From: Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
Re: Annoying results of experiments by Zorba the
Geek
Clive, I have had
enough. Zorba Papadopolis is mooning
over the little monkeys he has produced as if the world needed nothing more
desperately than smaller monkeys. I am
doing important work, which, by the way, is fully funded by the Department of
Defense, while Zorba's work is simply a drain on our resources. His so-called "children" are a
dead-end project for a need that is simply a fantasy. The monkeys have been teasing my flying piranha
lungfish, getting them to fly out of the tank and into the fan, which has
killed three valuable specimens so far and resulted in some stains that will
not come out of the wall. Zorba claims
they are too intelligent to be controlled in the way normal experimental
subjects are controlled, but clearly he has made no effort to take ordinary
precautions. I demand that his
self-indulgent project be put to an end.
NASA funding ended almost a year ago, and for some reason this lab has
continued to find funding for his project by draining resources from more
worthy endeavors. I want the experiment
terminated and the organisms produced by this fruitless endeavor destroyed
before they can do any more harm.
And the light shineth in darkness; and the
darkness comprehended it not.
To:
_Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
From: CliveWallroose@BigLabs.com
Re: Controversial experiment
Ivan, I must remind
you that Mr. Papadopolis came to us with impeccable credentials, and there are
those who regard his work as groundbreaking and extremely important. I have again warned him that further
complaints about his organisms getting loose will result in his termination and
the destruction of his organisms. I have
hopes that after the election next week, a new administration may view his work
more favorably. As you know, NASA has
recommended vastly increased funding for his work, but the administration
blocked it. In any case, we should know
soon whether funding for this project can be justified.
He came unto his own, and his own received him
not.
To: CliveWallroose@BigLabs.com
From: Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
Re: Goddamn monkeys
Clive, the damn
monkeys have got to go, or I take my project and my funding to another
lab. The monkeys are completely out of control,
and because they cannot be controlled they will never be any use to
anyone. The only person I know who
thinks Zorba the Geek's work is any good is old timid Timothy Toole, who spends
his time trying to figure out how to go to sleep for a thousand years at a
time. He just told me that waking one of
the monkeys after three months sleep was the greatest achievement of his
life. All this guy really wants is a
really long nap. Let me tell you
something, Zorba's pinko buddies aren't winning this election and when they
don't, things are going to look pretty dim for him and the whole
head-in-the-stars batch of researchers at this lab. I'm sure you'll want my help when that
happens, so let me tell you, all those miniature monkeys will fit in my one big
blender, and it has a setting for "juice."
For the law was given by Clive, but grace and
truth came by Timothy Toole.
From: Timothy_Toole@BigLabs.com
Re: Termination of all funding for
space-exploration projects
Mr. Wallroose, I
appreciate your decision in light of the recent elections. My own project will find a home with some
research institute, I am sure, but I must admit that I believe my work is less
important than that of Dr. Papadopolis.
It will never be possible to build starships with crews of adequate
numbers unless the crews can be made smaller, longer-living and more
intelligent than any humans available for the task. Even with deep sleep, size is vitally
important. If the people can be
one-third scale, the weight of everything – deep sleep units, control area,
food supplies, etc., can be can be one-twenty-seventh what it would be with
normal-sized people. What is more, while
my machinery can be put in storage until funding appears, the Children are
growing up, and nothing can stop that.
They need to be cared for and educated between now and any new research
grants.
To:
Timothy_Toole@BigLabs.com
From: CliveWallroose@BigLabs.com
Re: Termination of space-related projects.
Dr. Toole, I am sorry
that nothing more can be done for the "star children" project. We have extended funding as far as we
can. It is now time to terminate these
projects. You and Dr. Papadopolis can
both put your equipment in storage, and I'm sure something can be worked out to
reimburse the lab for the equipment when your new source of funding comes
through. In the meantime, all current
organisms must be destroyed. Please keep
in mind that while Dr. Papadopolis refers to his subjects as
"children" current law does not permit experimentation with human genetic
material, and these organisms are nothing more than lab monkeys. I am going on vacation for three weeks, and
I'm leaving Dr. Schatterman in charge during my absence. He will be responsible for winding down the
experiments that have lost funding.
And he confessed, and denied not; but
confessed, I am not the Savior.
To: Zorba@BigLabs.com
From: Timothy_Toole@BigLabs.com
Re: Destruction of our projects
Zorba, I'm sorry, but
I was wrong. I couldn't sway the big
guy. Things are worse than I could
imagine them ever becoming. If Clive
were not running away, we might have a chance.
With Schatterman in charge, we don't have a chance. Have you got anyone who will give the
Children safe haven? We must get them
out of the lab before Schatterman gets his hands on them.
To: Zorba@BigLabs.com
From:
Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
Re: Winding down
unfunded projects.
Dr. Papadopolis, I
must require you to deliver all organisms produced by your experiments to my
lab by 3 p.m. today for destruction. I
hope there are no bad feelings about the termination of your project. To show
my good will, I'd like you to join me in a protein drink I've been working on
at 3:15.
To: Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
From: Zorba@BigLabs.com
Re: Killing the children and making me drink
their blood.
Dr. Schatterman, I'm
afraid it will be impossible to deliver my children to you for execution. They have escaped. I seem to have inadvertently let something
slip about what you said as regards you wanting to put them in a blender and
set it on "juice," and they vacated their quarters as soon as I
turned my back. I'm sure they are
somewhere in the lab. Unless they aren't,
for which who could blame them? Anyway,
they are on their own now and they aren't going to drain any resources from
your precious fish. Give the piranha a
hug for me.
To: Zorba@BigLabs.com
From:
Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
Re: Setting the damn monkeys loose.
Geek, you are
toast. You will never work in a research
lab again. And don't think you've saved
the mini-monkeys. I'll have my own
flying piranha lungfish hunt them down and kill them.
To:
Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
From: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
Re: Janitors killed by strange fish.
Boss, I don't think I
can hire any more janitors. Word has got
out that three were injured while cleaning the restrooms. I don't know whether the fish were produced
by this lab or if they are just something that came in the bilge of a ship and
I don't think I want to know secret stuff like that, but I can't get anybody to
clean the restrooms anymore and I sure ain't doing it personally. I was in the Mens on floor seven about to
take a dump when a fish come wizzing out at me and if I'd of sat down before
it came out my wife could of started not takeing the birth controles. A small person killed it and I thankd him for
it, but he was no baby and he was smaller than a baby. I never made so much as I make now but I
could go panhandle or something before I ever go through what happened in the
Mens again. You got to get those science
guys to keep the experiments in cages or something or I get some other
work. Now I don't even go in our Mens
but go to the burger place across the street and I'm not so sure about there
either so I stand on the seat and sort of squat so I'm not putting the wedding
tackle down to catch some crazy bad dream fish.
If you think what I am saying is crazy and I am going nutzo you are
right but the fish are real and tomorrow I'm bringing in my own Porta Potty and
I'm not letting it out of my site between times I use the thing.
To:
GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
From: Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
Re: Cowardice in the face of the enemy.
Hogg, you are a swine
and a coward and a disgrace to your profession.
And your spelling is terrible.
The fish are not the threat, the monkeys are. Rally your troops and stiffen your spine and
kill any of those "small people" you can find. They are abominations intended to raise
animals to the level of humans. The law
of our nation and the law of nature allows us to do what we will with animals,
but these monkeys have been made to look like humans. Zorba is trying to blur the distinction
between us and the animals, and I won't stand for it.
To: Ivan_Peckerwood_Schatterman_
From: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
Re: Killing the guy that saved my life.
That little person who
saved me from the nightmare dreamfish is smarter than me and nicer than you so
he is a good person for me. Murdering someone
smaller than me anyway don’t seem right.
He wasnt so old either so you are wanting me to kill a child I
think. I hope you go to the bathroom and
are sitting with the fishes and then you will know how important it is to have
somebody on your side that isn't scared of the fishes. I know the cops cant come here because this
is so secret and the security guys are all on your side but one time one of
them are going to get bit on the bottom and then they will all be on your
backside. Think of that.
To: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
From: Nightmaredreamfishkiller@
Re: Nightmare dreamfish
Sir, may I first
congratulate you on your compelling and unconventional prose. The word picture you paint of the possible
consequences of Security having a personal encounter with Dr. Schatterman's
genetically engineered fish has kept us smiling for hours. Unfortunately we've disposed of most of the
fish and have the rest on the run, so that will remain a fantasy. We've been cleaning the restrooms for you and
will continue to do so until you can replace your staff.
We are worried about
our Creator. Zorba has lived for his
work – well, for us -- and has no personal life to speak of, and now, thanks to
us, he is unlikely to work in research again.
We know almost nothing about the world outside the lab, so we don't know
how to make him feel better, and honestly Tim Toole is in the same boat we
are. You seem to be the only person we
know who has a normal sort of life. Have
you any idea how we can make the Creator feel better? Oh, and don't worry about the spelling.
To: Nightmaredreamfishkiller@
From: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
Re: Helping God
I go to church and
praise God every Sunday and I never know if I'm making my Creator feel
better. You get to have a two-way
conversation. I can get Zorba a job as a
janitor but I don't think he would be good at it from looking at his messy
desk. He's kind of funny looking with
the fringe of gray hair and skinny shoulders and pot belly but if he goes to my
church there are divorced ladies who will pounce and if he doesn't run away
they will take him over and make him over.
Whether that will make him feel happy I don’t know but marriage has been
good to me. I also notice he works late
most nights and Kate over in Nanotech makes sure she leaves the building at the
same time. She has five cats and looks
kind of fierce but I think she likes Zorba.
To: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
From: Yonderboy@BigLabs.com
Re: Helping our
Creator
Yonderboy is my real
name, not Nightmaredreamfishkiller,
although I like that one.
We don't actually
think Zorba is God, but I guess we do revere him. Please don't do anything about the elevator
not working tonight. Kate and Zorba are
in there and we want them to get to know each other better.
To: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
From:
Kate_Sadrouski@BigLabs.com
Re: Leaving me in the
elevator all night
Mr. Hogg, I cannot
express how angry I am about being stuck in the elevator for several hours with
Zorba Papadopolis and the mewling idiot, Minerva from accounting. The alarm is supposed to attract attention,
and I'm sure it would if our household staff remained on the premises during
their shift, rather than fleeing to the burger place to use the bathrooms
there. I would have been trapped all
night if not for the timely intervention of Mr. Schatterman. I am complaining to our Director, and I
believe you will be called on the carpet.
To: George Hogg@BigLabs.com
From:
Yonderboy@BigLabs.com
Re: Memo to end your
career
We intercepted Kate's
e-mail. Things didn't work out as we
planned, but we'll make sure you don't suffer for it.
Kate kind of lost it
when the elevator stopped between floors, so anyway we decided we didn't want
our Creator stuck with someone who thinks shouting will fix mechanical
objects. Anyway, however she may feel
about him, Zorba was scared of her.
Zorba missed the last
bus home, so Minerva gave him a ride. We
like Minerva. Is she Greek? Is she single?
To: Yonderboy@BigLabs.com
From: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
Re: Minerva
I thought she was
Jewish but I don’t think it matters to Zorba who I don’t think has a church and
anyway I don’t think Minnie goes to temple.
I saw her eat a ham and cheeze sanwich so she don’t keep kosher. She seems nice but is much younger so I don’t
know. Her husband left to marry someone
even younger so she dosnt date I think.
Behold
an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile!
To: GeorgeHogg@BigLabs.com
From: Yonderboy@BigLabs.com
Re: Our Creator
We smuggled some of
our people into Zorba's house a few days ago, and I can tell you, he's stopped
going home. So we sent some of the girls
to follow him and Minerva home, and they came back giggling and red-faced, so we
think Zorba will be okay. We're almost
done with the flying piranha lungfish, but it would be a shame to deprive Ivan
of all his creations. He goes into the
6th-floor Mens' room every morning and reads his paper while sitting on the
crapper. Would it be possible to make
sure only one particular stall is working tomorrow morning? Third from the left.
By the way, he reads
his horoscope. It's not the divination
aspect of this that puzzles us, it's the geocentric nature of that system of
divination. Do you suppose that he has never
accepted Galileo's mad theory that the cosmos does not revolve around Ivan
Peckerwood Schatterman III?
Thou
shalt see greater things than these.
From:
CliveWallroose@BigLabs.com
To: Timothy_Toole@BigLabs.com
Re: Sixth-floor office space
I was delighted to
hear about your funding being restored.
If you can in fact revive Sen. Bull's wife when a cure is found for
brain death, I'm sure he will be eternally grateful. Of course, we will only find out if the
revival is successful after a cure is found, won't we?
In any case, you're
right, of course, Schatterman's old lab will provide you with the space you
need for the additional equipment. I'm
delighted to hear that Zorba's specimens were recovered, because without the
small-scale aspect of your new project design, we could not possibly have
accommodated the number of subjects needed for statistically significant
tests. As you pointed out, the law of
large numbers dictates at least 30 subjects are needed.
I wasn’t sure why you
insisted on volunteers from what are, after all, animal subjects, but they are
cute little things and when you demonstrated awakening one after a week of deep
sleep at the press conference, his willingness to assure the reporters he had
volunteered for the experiment took us through what could have been a bad
moment. Now there’s talk of broadening the definition of a person, so it’s good
that we were ahead of the curve.
Thank you for your
concern about Ivan. His physical
recovery seems certain, but his psychiatric state is still delicate. He kept babbling about children taking over
the earth. When I told him safety
concerns for our troops had resulted in termination of his funding, the only
response I got was a high-pitched laugh that went on and on and on.
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