California to fill Death Valley with water

by John MacBeath Watkins

April 1, 2015, Sacramento, California -- Gov. Jerry Brown announced today that California will pipe water from the Pacific Ocean to fill Death Valley with water.

File photo

"The snow pack we rely upon for our summer water is at 5%," the governor said, "we've got to get more water where it will evaporate and fall as rain."

That, he explained, is why the state has been preparing an environmental statement in absolute secrecy to build a pipeline to move water to the  valley, which at its deepest point is 282 feet below sea level. The project has been so secret, pizza delivery drivers who arrive expecting to get a tip and leave have been forced to remain and become technical writers on the EIS, for fear they might reveal something about the project if they are allowed to leave. Gov. Brown was forced to reveal the project after a pizza delivery driver escaped.

Scientists estimate that the phase change of evaporating water will lower temperatures in the vicinity of Death Valley, and evaporating water will provide rain that might supplant as much as 2% of the water lost to the current drought.

Brown said the resulting man-made lake will kick start a new real estate boom in waterfront property, provide recreational opportunities to Californians, and rid the state of its greatest pest, the desert pupfish.

The pupfish, which can shut down its mitochondria and survive by metabolizing without oxygen, generates alcohol when it does this. The resulting cocktail found in desert waters is costing the state and estimated $87 billion in lost liquor taxes.

State Fish and Game officials believe these fish will be eaten by Tuna who will be pumped in with the water, creating a new inland fishery for drunk tuna.

Conservationist Willard Trembler said he would fight the pipeline.

"The pupfish will not be crucified on a cross of gold while I can draw a breath," the hirsute, sandal wearing Trembler proclaimed. He then hiccuped and sipped carefully from a cocktail glass with a small fish swimming in it.